Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
