bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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