I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
why does every cop we meet know your name?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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