sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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