"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
