i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
