I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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