I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
