im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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