i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
