i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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