No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
