So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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