I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
