I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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