I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
