I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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