there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
