I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
