im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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