this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
