I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
