can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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