I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
