He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
