i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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