I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
