My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
