sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
