Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
