come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
