the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
