I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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