dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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