My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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