I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
