i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
