The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
