I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
