Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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