Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
