Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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