even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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