you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
