After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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