Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
