you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
