It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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