Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
