Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
