He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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