bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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