there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
