Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
