Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
