I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
